As parents/caregivers, there are already so many areas to keep an eye on when raising children. From healthy eating and exercise to emotional needs. You stumble across advice books and YouTube videos and try, with a mixture of expert knowledge you’ve read up on, other people’s experiences and your gut feeling, to somehow do a halfway decent job.
Good grief, how many evenings have we forgotten the foot exercises that are supposed to help with flat feet? And packing the snack boxes for nursery in the morning is a nightmare for me too: what is reasonably healthy, what will the children actually eat, and will the hummus explode in my face again when I open the lunch box in the afternoon?
So why should we bother with executive functions on top of all that? Read on and let me convince you that it really is worth knowing about these functions and building their support into everyday life (by the way, I’m sure you’re already doing this anyway, but I find it quite helpful to remind myself every now and then what we do and why we do it – it also gives me more drive to keep going and to say for the tenth time: “First we tidy up and go for a wee, then we read a bedtime story”).
Why executive functions are so important
Simply put, we can’t really function without them: they give us the tools to find our way in the world, acquire knowledge, cope with tasks, achieve goals and engage with other people.
We have to remember information (for a short time), e.g. when someone gives us directions to the underground station (component: working memory), we have to wait our turn at the supermarket checkout (component: self-control), and we have to find another way to get to work when the car suddenly breaks down (component: mental flexibility). If you want to know a bit more about what we mean by these three components, read on here.
I also think two aspects are important to bear in mind:
- Executive functions form the basis for children’s social, emotional and moral development.
- They are crucial for how children learn and how easy they find it to acquire knowledge in a group and at school.
Children who have trouble focusing on one thing and resisting immediate distractions can’t solve tasks, can’t follow instructions and quickly fall behind. They feel overwhelmed and helpless. They often react with frustration and anger. Learning with joy and motivation is no longer possible, and their relationships with caregivers and peers suffer.
I think we all know situations where we’ve felt like that ourselves. Recently I was acutely sleep-deprived again, which reduced my executive functions to the level of a two-year-old. When my husband then tried to explain to me how to set up the speakers on our PC, I felt overwhelmed in no time. I couldn’t remember the steps, I got distracted by the noises outside the front door, and I struggled to keep my frustration in check, because all I really wanted was to crawl under the duvet. The stress grew because I knew the speakers had to work within the next 10 minutes so that I could follow a group meeting on Zoom. And so it becomes a vicious circle. Stress makes us release hormones that put us into a “fight, flight or freeze” state and influence our decisions. Substances like adrenaline and cortisol then stop us from weighing things up, thinking things through systematically and planning flexibly. I find these neurophysiological processes fascinating, but back to our executive functions and how we can support them.
Supporting executive functions (EF): what should you bear in mind?
People have the potential to develop executive functions, but they can’t do it on their own. That’s why we, as parents/caregivers, have an important role to play in helping our little ones (for an overview see e.g. Hendry, Jones & Charman, 2016, also Zelazo, 2020). The good news is: we train EF constantly and everywhere, and everyday life offers us lots of situations every day. For example, when you bake biscuits with your children, you automatically work on important aspects of EF: you set yourselves a goal, namely to bake butter biscuits, and you make a plan for how to reach it. You clear some space on the worktop. You think about which ingredients you need, which kitchen utensils, and which steps come in which order. You have to remember which ingredients you’ve already added and how long the biscuits need to bake.
We guide our children as they learn to master various tasks in everyday life. For example, we introduce routines (before we go to bed, we go for a wee, wash our hands, brush our teeth, put on our pyjamas and read a book together) and break complex processes down into smaller steps (before we go shopping, we think about what we’d like to eat, which food we still have in the fridge, where we can buy things, etc.).
This is called scaffolding. I find it quite a good image, because we provide the (safe and structured) framework so that our children can build their own lives. In doing so, we have to take our children’s individual differences into account in order to give them the right support. Some need more guidance than others.
For example, my daughter needs more support in dealing with her emotions, and strategies to control her impulses. Age is an important factor too. I can’t expect the same planning ahead and following of instructions from a three-year-old as from a five- or even ten-year-old. If you’d like to read more about how executive functions develop, have a look at this blog post.
7 areas of executive functions you can support
1. Recognising and processing emotions
We know it ourselves when a feeling just bowls us over. Then we have to use strategies to deal with that feeling. In another blog post I wrote about anger. Here I want to look at sadness. First of all, it’s important to let children feel their sadness and give it space. That isn’t always easy to bear. I can still feel my son’s dejection when he believed that none of his friends would be moving up to the pre-school class with him. I had to actively resist the strategies that came up from my own childhood: quickly changing the subject, offering a reward in the form of sweets, or denying the feeling, along the lines of “Oh, it’s not that bad. Don’t make such a fuss.” So first I signalled that I could see how sad he was (“I can see this makes you very sad”) and that I felt for him (“That must really hurt, that all your friends will be in one pre-school class and only you have to go to a different one”). And then we thought about what he/we could do to make the situation easier to bear (e.g. meeting up with his friends outside nursery, thinking about how to make contact with the new children). That went fairly well, but I was still relieved when we found out he’d got it wrong and a handful of his friends would be moving into the same class after all, phew ;-).
How can you practise this?
Observing other people’s feelings: This is often easier than talking directly about your own feelings, especially if you’re still angry, sad or disappointed in the moment. If you’ve seen another child who was very angry, you can talk about which feeling(s) you noticed and how it showed in their behaviour. You can talk about the last time you were angry and why, what it felt like and what you did in that situation. There are also lots of books that pick up on characters’ feelings. Have a look at your children’s favourite books – I’m sure you’ll find examples there. There are also books written specifically about feelings. Just this week I borrowed a book from the library that Ragnar looked at with great interest (Wohin mit meiner Wut? by Dagmar Geisler, a German book about anger). An English-language book we often look at is “How Are You Feeling Today?” by Molly Potter.
Feeling emotions in the body: You can think with your children about what it feels like when you’re excited or embarrassed about something. Where does it tingle or press? What does your body want to do? Jump in the air, curl up into a little snail? This way children can practise reading their body’s signals and locating and recognising their feelings in their body.
2. Controlling impulses
Oh, who doesn’t know this: you’ve been given a box of your favourite chocolates and would love to eat them all at once, even though you know you’ll feel awful afterwards. Or you’ve thought up a great surprise for someone and have to wait until their birthday before telling anyone about it. Another example is waiting for your turn in a conversation. How hard this often is even for adults can regularly be seen on talk shows or when you watch the scrum at bus stops – everyone wants to get on first (at least at a German bus stop; in England that wouldn’t happen. Which raises the question of how cultural differences influence the development of impulse control).
How can you practise this?
When are we finally going? Visualising time: When are we finally going to the zoo? The children are buzzing with excitement and ask every 5 minutes when we’re finally leaving the house. Setting an alarm helps us a lot here. We recently bought a visual timer, which also shows the remaining time nicely in colour. There are all kinds of models; if you want to get an idea of what these timers can look like, have a look here.
Pointing out consequences and letting children feel them: A classic example: the children would love to stuff themselves with sweets from morning till night. The other day Thorvi woke up and had barely dragged herself out of bed when she was already demanding chocolate for breakfast. So once again I went into explainer mode: there’s only something sweet in the afternoon, and only one thing, so that she doesn’t get a tummy ache. You often feel like you’re talking until you’re blue in the face and nothing gets through. But then when the little sister lectures her big brother on why he can’t have another scoop of ice cream, you realise with relief that it wasn’t all in vain after all. Short videos can help too; thanks to YouTube and co., there are plenty of explainer videos and songs. And I think it’s perfectly fine if some of that knowledge is reinforced by Peppa Pig or Baby John 😊. Sometimes it also helps to let natural consequences take their course. Recently Ragnar took on the challenge of drinking as much sparkling water as possible. 10 minutes later he had a tummy ache, and shortly after that it all came back up (luckily we were outdoors and the fountain of sick was quickly cleaned up). Since then he has understood very well that “too much of a good thing” can seriously backfire (or come back out rather quickly ;-)).
3. Expressing and respecting wishes and needs
A task that we adults also have to practise again and again. If the person we’re talking to doesn’t know what we want, we can’t expect our needs to be met.
Oh, how I hate it when my two little rascals start whining and moaning straight away without it being clear what the actual problem is. I then remind them that I can’t read minds and have no idea what they actually want, but that the whining gets on my nerves and doesn’t exactly motivate me to help them. In return, it’s important to respect other people’s wishes and to stand up for your own. Since I’ve been saying this more and more to my children, I’ve been feeling better too. I might say, “Ragnar, your loud screeching noises with the racing cars are getting to me, I’d like you to stop.” If he carries on: “I asked you to stop, and I’d like you to respect my wish. If you really want to make those noises, please go into another room.” If that doesn’t help, I express my displeasure: “I think it’s a shame that you don’t respect my wish. I’m going to leave the room now, because I can feel myself getting angry.” Then I leave the room and treat myself to a break.
How can you practise this?
Putting wishes into concrete words and making clear agreements: We basically practise this every day, and I try to encourage them to describe their wishes/needs as concretely as possible. A recurring issue is that Ragnar likes to play in the morning, which makes our routine longer and means we often leave the house late. I’ve learnt to respect that he needs this playtime to start his day. By now he’s quite good at saying what he’d like to do and discussing with me how it can be built into the morning routine. On the one hand, we talk about which steps have to be done before he can start playing (once you’re dressed, you can play with the cars). On the other hand, we agree on a time limit (10 minutes works in the morning; if he wants to play longer, I have to wake him earlier).
Practising sharing/taking turns (this also involves impulse control): A classic example from the playroom: Ragnar is playing with the toy kitchen for the first time in weeks, and Thorvi hasn’t shown any interest in it for ages either. But now she suddenly wants to put together a picnic too and snatches the case with the tableware out of Ragnar’s hand. The two of them yell at each other. I remind them of the rule: “Whoever was playing with it first gets to carry on playing with it for now.” Then I ask them to say what they want, and we think about how each of their needs can be met: “Thorvi, you can play with the tea set first and with the picnic basket later.” Or we set the timer: Ragnar can play with it for this long, then it’s Thorvi’s turn. All easier said than done, but we’re playing the long game. By practising solutions over and over, strategies and patterns of behaviour become ingrained.
We also talk often enough about the fact that we’re not Aladdin with the magic lamp. Some wishes and needs won’t be fulfilled/met, which can be annoying, but it’s something you have to learn to cope with. And there’s a chance to train impulse control right there 😊.
4. Following instructions
Our everyday lives are shaped by rules (of behaviour) and instructions that we have to follow. Some rules may get on our nerves, and we’ll probably ignore one or two, but a large part of our life is only possible because of certain rules of behaviour (e.g. we have to stop at a red light so as not to risk an accident). And so children, too, have to follow rules and instructions every day in order to fit into everyday life. That is hard work. So it’s also important to swap roles now and then and let the children call the shots. They enjoy it, and it gives them a sense of control and power. That matters, because if we watch ourselves closely, we have to admit that our children have to follow an awful lot of instructions all day long. I have to keep actively reminding myself not to give instructions all the time and to just let things run their course.
How can you practise this?
Stop-and-go game: One person decides when the others can move and when they have to freeze like statues. This also works well with musical instruments. The music master plays, and when they stop, everyone has to stand still. My daughter loves this game.
Everyday activities together: When baking, for example, you have to follow the instructions in the recipe, otherwise the cake won’t turn out (something I’ve experienced many times, because I don’t like sticking to quantities).
Role play: It gives children the chance to act out and practise experiences from everyday life (e.g. a child teaches their cuddly toy how to use the toilet and wash its hands afterwards).
5. Planning ahead
A skill that we mothers (mostly) have down to a fine art. A classic: there’s a day out coming up (or even a holiday), and you have to think about everything you need to take. Men usually think that once they’ve put their shoes on and packed a pack of tissues, they’re ready to go. We women go through every eventuality. What if someone falls over – so don’t forget the first-aid kit. Someone might get stung by a bee, so pack the sting relief. No question, we need snacks, a spare sun hat in case one gets wet or lost… and so the list goes on. In the end, the packed bag would be enough to survive two weeks in the woods, and your partner groans about how heavy the rucksack has become and that the handcart has to come along too. I admit, effective and forward-looking planning probably lies somewhere in the middle 🙂
How can you practise this?
Weekly plans: The children and I once made an overview of the nursery week. We drew and wrote down what was happening on which day (e.g. every weekday box had a bear and a rabbit drawn on it to remind the children to take their cuddly toys. On Monday there was a picture of a book because the borrowed book had to go back to the library; on Tuesday the PE kit had to come along, etc.). It worked well at first, but then I caught myself getting impatient when the children didn’t look at it on their own or when asked to, and then the helicoptering started again and I packed their things… for me it’s always a learning process to let it go and let the children live with the consequences. So sometimes the cuddly toy stays at home, or PE is done in slim-fit jeans.
An overview of the day: In the morning it’s a good idea to think together about what’s coming up. That also helps children adjust to what lies ahead without being caught off guard by events (e.g. “Today I’ll pick you up half an hour later because I have an appointment. Afterwards we’ll go and buy drinks together.”).
Thought experiments: You can come up with “what if” scenarios together. Thorvi loves planning her birthday party all year round: what the theme will be, which games, what food, what she’ll wear. You can also let your imagination run wild and think, for example, about what you’d need to do if you were stranded on a desert island, or everything you could do with the superpower you’d like to have (Ragnar loves thinking about how best to use his Spider-Man powers).
I hope I’ve been able to convince you that, even though all the mindfulness experts remind us to live in the here and now, planning ahead is really helpful for coping with everyday life – so that you can then enjoy the moment 😊.
6. Working as a team and cooperating
“Teamwork makes the dream work” – Ragnar surprised me with this saying recently, after I had once again given him an example of why teamwork is so helpful. I think it’s great that at nursery, too, they guide the children to work in groups and make them aware of the benefits. For many years I was a lone wolf, which really didn’t do me any good. And it took a long time before I could fully embrace and value teamwork. The fact that we can only solve problems, big and small, together is becoming clearer and clearer these days (the consequences of Brexit are a good example of what happens when an entire country ignores this fact …). But teamwork has to be learnt and can go wrong often enough. So the earlier you start, the better. With children this is always a challenge, because skills such as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (see also theory of mind), waiting or sharing first have to be learnt and practised.
How can you practise this?
Who can do what: You can think together about what you’d like to play and who can contribute what. For example, Thorvi loves dressing up Barbies, so she can take on the task of getting the dolls dressed for the outing (although she doesn’t quite see yet why high heels might not be the best choice for a theme park). Ragnar, on the other hand, likes building, so he’s put in charge of building a Lego vehicle to take everyone to the theme park.
Team challenges (e.g. obstacle courses): For the last birthday there was a ninja obstacle course that could only be completed by helping each other (e.g. one child has to lift the other up so they can reach a key). So you create tasks that can only be solved if you do them together.
These situations are also a good opportunity to talk about our strengths and weaknesses, that it’s OK not to know or be able to do something, that it’s OK to ask for help, or that you have to practise certain things until you can do them just as well.
7. Completing tasks (setting and reaching goals)
Phew, I find this section hard to write, because I have to face up to how bad I’ve become at this since having children. I used to simply put in as much time and energy as it took until the goal was reached. That was often successful, but not really efficient, and often exhausting. Well, this isn’t supposed to become a platform for working through my own (faulty) patterns, so once more, step by step, here’s what matters:
a) Setting goals helps you to think about what is important to you in the first place.
b) You have to think about how you can reach your goals.
This is just as important, because in thinking it through it may become clear either that the goal isn’t that important to you after all, or which steps you need to take to reach it. That can also mean that a whole range of executive functions have to work together. After Christmas, for example, it takes a fair amount of impulse control not to eat up the leftover sweets if you want to lose your winter padding. It takes planning ahead to figure out when you can exercise to burn off the extra calories. Teamwork to get more fruit and veg back on the table, and following the cooking instructions if you want to make low-calorie meals.
How can you practise this?
Turning wishes into goals: Wishes are often big or vague. By turning them into goals, you can make them tangible. I would love to be a good swimmer – a wish I’ve had since my school days, when even my PE teacher said I swam like a brick (yes, yes, that wasn’t educationally correct, but he was right). But because I never turned it into a concrete goal (e.g. “In summer I want to practise breaststroke every Thursday”), I stayed a brick, and I feel most at home in the paddling pool by the fountains.
Making a roadmap (breaking a goal down into steps): Many goals seem far away, but spelling out the steps that lead to the goal can help you stay motivated on the way (e.g. I explained to Thorvi that it will help her learn to ride a bike if she has mastered the tricycle and is confident on her balance bike).
In the adult world you also keep coming across the acronym SMART when it comes to formulating goals:
S – specific (the goal is concrete enough that you can actually work on it)
M – measurable (you can check whether you have reached the goal)
A – attractive (so that you stay motivated)
R – realistic (what is actually possible under the given circumstances)
T – time-bound (when should the goal be reached?).
I always found it agonising to work my way through the SMART criteria. But I have to admit that they always forced me to really think about what my goals are and whether they meet the SMART criteria. You can certainly use the SMART criteria with children too. That way they learn early on to set themselves concrete, achievable goals. And if you don’t reach your goal, they give you a basis for thinking about why it went wrong.
If you’d like more ideas on how to support executive functions, I can recommend this resource from the Center on the Developing Child (Harvard University).
The website GoZen offers wonderful tips and summaries on executive functions, perseverance, motivation and more. They present topics brilliantly for both parents and children.
Well then, I hope this blog post has given you a few ideas on how you can support executive functions. And as I said: don’t give up! The path you walk with your child is a long hike that takes you down into valleys and high up onto summits. Sometimes you run out of breath, but there are also moments when you reach the top of the mountain and enjoy the wonderful view. All the best!
Blanca
Literature/References
Hendry, A., Jones, E. J. H., & Charman, T. (2016). Executive function in the first three years of life: Precursors, predictors and patterns. Developmental Review, 42, 1-33. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2016.06.005
Traverso, L., Viterbori, P., & Usai, M. C. (2019). Effectiveness of an executive function training in Italian preschool educational services and far transfer effects to pre-academic skills. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02053
Zelazo, P. D. (2020). Executive function and psychopathology: A neurodevelopmental perspective. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16(1), 431-454. doi:10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-072319-024242